On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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