two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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