That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
