i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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