ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I can text with my tongue
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize