my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
