Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
