Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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