the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
