Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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