Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
