She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Dick very happy bro
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
