Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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