I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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