census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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