im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
