I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
