i need an iv and a liver transplant
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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