If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
