You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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