No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
