if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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