you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
