I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Randomize
