My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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