i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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