Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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