Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
