I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Im part way to drunk.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
