So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
