Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Randomize
