this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
