she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
