I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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