can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
