I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize