Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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