I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm really busy with my period
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