my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
