i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
