the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
