i just sent this text using only my big toe
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Walk of Shame today included voting.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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