She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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