When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
