she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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