I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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