Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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