fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
