At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
