I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
