I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Boobs are out for the taking
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
