it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
