Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
