I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize