I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
