ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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