Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
