Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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