Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
